she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
