I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
