Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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