one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Found the puke drawer
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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