Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Is it because I queefed?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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