this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
please don't ironically join a cult
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