Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
