Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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