Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
