He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
