i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
