My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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