So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
