I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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