you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
50% drunk capacity currently
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
