Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
