no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
