I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
