Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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