I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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