I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We left an ass print on the piano.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So here I am, sexting at work.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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