Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
