I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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