come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
