if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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