My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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