First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
