my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My breasts were aching with rage.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
