There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
