I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize