She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
