i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
we should paint friendship bongs
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