The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
