new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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