dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
