my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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