3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Randomize
