someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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