I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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