Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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