What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Your penis caused this!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize