You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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