I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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