He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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