you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
