So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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