I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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