He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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