Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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