I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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