I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize