i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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