what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
