Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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