i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
